feeling guilty

Before having my second I, like most parents, worried that I wouldn't love H as much as I love L. My intensity of emotion for L is just so strong I couldn't imagine how I could duplicate that feeling. My mom kept telling me that I wouldn't duplicate it however I would feel something just as intense but completely unique for H. My mom was right, but what I wasn't expecting was how guilty my feelings and relationship with H makes me feel.

To say the first 15 weeks L's were difficult is an understatement.  As most know I had a general anesthesia c-section with L due to L being breech and me not responding the the local anesthesia. Having the general meant I missed her birth and first two hours of life. Then thanks to being deathly allergic to ibuprofen and not responding to morphine I spent the first two weeks of her life hopped up on strong narcotics. So until L is about four weeks old I have very few memories, and around four weeks of age L was hit hard with colic and probably acid reflux. Until L was 15 weeks, when one blessed afternoon her stomach problems left to never return, L spent all her waking hours in intense pain screaming. She couldn't be set down, she couldn't be on her back (I even had to feed her in an upright position) she screamed unabated in her carseat, and she never took a nap. I could get her to stop screaming but it was an intense set of maneuvers that did not allow a moment to relax. I remember telling J I may be done having kids because I couldn't do this again. L rarely smiled during that time, she rarely made cooing sounds, she did not relax when held.

I loved L but the combination of the general c-section and the intensity of her days left me without that intense affectionate bond with her. Don't get me wrong I was bonded, in fact I had major anxiety at even the idea of being separated from her, but that bond of affectionate joy was missing. Then one blessed evening I sat L in her jumperoo (for the purpose of being up right not play) and I heard a marvelously foreign sound-L was cooing. I remember J and I looking at each other in utter disbelief. L was happy! She was cooing and playing and smiling! We both stopped what we were doing and just stared at her, we kept waiting for the happiness to end but it didn't. If fact three years later and she still is still the happiest, playful little person. For the first time I started to get the joy of parenting, and quickly the intense bond of affection began to develop.  (J on the other hand had always had that intense affection bond. Those first two hours of her life he claims to be the most joyous hours of his. And he always had this amazingly calm demeanor that could calm her so quickly. J and L always had their very special bond).

H has been a completely different story. My bond with her started the moment I was handed her after her insanely fun labor and delivery. H just turned 9 weeks old and although life has been an adjustment H is living up to her middle name of Joy. She is a happy, easy going, relaxed baby. All I have to do is glance her way and she rewards me with the hugest of grins. She laughs, she coos, and even tries to sing along when I sing to her. If she gets upset all I have to is touch her and instantly she is calmed. She naps during the day, and loves time spent on her back to kick, smile and coo. H's only difficulty is her preferred bedtime position. H wants to either sleep on her tummy or be held all night. Being the overly cautious mom that I am I just can't bring myself to let her sleep on her tummy. Besides what would be the point since I would spend the whole night hovering over (and yes we do have the angle care monitor but I would still be hovering) so I have been doing something I never did with L-holding H all night while we both sleep cuddled together.

I generally dislike being touched while I sleep-just ask J. L, even in her worst of weeks, was always a good night time sleeper, and she always slept extremely on her back and in her own space-be it the co-sleeper or her own crib. So I never slept with her. There were a few times J did, but for the most part she always did better in her own bed. Even now, if she has a nightmare I will invite her to our bed and she will say, "No, I like my own bed. You can give me a cuddle then leave."

I have grown to really like holding H while we sleep (although now she is sleeping the first half of the night in her own space-the cradle swing next to our bed on off seems to do the trick). In fact, not only do I like it it warms my heart in that goobery mommy love way. Which only intensifies my already crazy strong affectionate love for H.

I feel so guilty that I didn't let L in our bed. I feel so guilty that I didn't bond with L like this at this age. I feel so guilty at how much I adore and LOVE H. I know feeling guilty is silly but I do. My mom was right my feelings for the girls are just as intense but uniquely their own, but why do I feel so bad that I love H so much?  I worry that I am going to like/love H more than L. I know that this sense of guilt isn't productive or very rational but it is there. Yet I feel like I am somehow cheating on L because I love H  and because I do things with H that intensify how much I love her. I wonder if other parents feel this way? And I wonder how one moves past the guilt?