Pondering my Integrity

Integrity (n)

Adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

Stems from  the Latin word integer which means whole, complete.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about what the price of my integrity is. The funny thing about pondering my own integrity it seems that it can offend others. But the thing is I really have no intention too. Joe has more integrity than anyone that I have ever met. He is the greatest secret keeper, I have never seen him lie-not even those questionable white lies, or the those more seemingly innocent lies like calling in sick when you are not 100%. Joe's word is better than gold. If he says something, if he commits to something there is no doubt he will follow through. And if you know Joe you know he strongly opposes pirating software, music, movies, etc. Because of this Joe taught himself Linux so that he could get the software he needed/wanted without pirating it. How Joe ties into me not wanting to offended anyone is that Joe holds no one to his own standard-including me. He views integrity as a personal choice that he has no right to judge. And after 8 1/2 years of marriage an nearly a decade of being together I have to say that I have never felt that he ever expected me to live to his standard, never brings up my failures, and he never boasts about his choices in integrity. In fact he has never given me a lecture (or anyone else) why integrity is the path one should pursue.  Again, if you know us at all you know that Joe is the humbler of the two of us by far.

So recently I have been really tempted by the idea of pirating photoshop. I cannot even count the amount of people I know who have pirated copies, and I have had access to a couple of pirated version for over a year now. I know I could do it, I know Joe would never mention it, and I know that I would enjoy using it. But I can't get past the conviction that it is stealing. I would never go to Costco and grab a photoshop box and walk out of the store without purchasing it. And I would like to believe my reasons isn't because I would get caught, but because stealing is wrong. So how is pirating it different? It is just stealing without getting caught, right? I have heard people say that it is just too expensive, that adobe charges too much, that they can't afford it. But you know what, there are a lot of things I want that are over priced and too expensive. For example, I wouldn't go into Nordstrom's and grab a pair of premium denim because I know they are charging way more than they the jeans are actually worth. There are a lot of things that I want but I can't afford, that is just life.

I know people who have pirated copies with the excuse they can't afford it. But yet those same people go on vacations, buy my coveted premium denim, and my favorite-new camera equipment. Isn't that not so much not being able to afford it as not prioritizing purchasing it? 

There is one gray area in which I am ok with. That is the photographer who's income is dependent on their photography business, who know and admit that they are stealing, intend to purchase it when they can, but currently are barley making their bills. However, I am especially conflicted about the photographer who makes a profit from using stolen photoshop, has no intention of purchasing it, and purchase luxury things (like vacations) with the money they are getting from photoshop. 

I think the reason why this is bothering me so much is because really I want to do it too. I would love to pursue photography. Good gracious, we very much could use something to supplement our income a bit. But when it comes down to it I can't bring myself to do it. 

My integrity and my character is who I am. It is what I have control over. It is by no means the easy path, for it means setting aside preserving myself for the convictions I believe in.  It means not getting a lot of things I want, and not doing what is comfortable. But in the end I feel it is all that matters. It challenges me constantly, it constantly is showing me where I am falling short, but I must pursue it. I love that the word integrity comes from the Latin word "whole" or "complete". I feel that it is part of the process of that Christ makes us complete, it is part of being sanctified and healed (but that is for another post).

I think this idea stemed once again unintentionally from Joe.  Back when we were dating I was marveling at his gifted brilliance (something I valued greatly) and pondered out loud, "I am so curious what your IQ is." Joe responded in his quite Joe way that he knew what it was from IQ testing he had to do in elementary school. So I excitedly asked what it was, and was floored by the answer of 170 (genius is 130, average is 100). As I was enviously marveling over it I noticed how uncomfortable he was becoming and asked why. I have never forgotten Joe's answer (I think it was even part of my falling in love with him). "I know that society and people value gifted intelligence. I have gotten admiration for it my whole life. But the thing is I didn't do anything to be so smart, no more than I did to have brown hair. It is just the way the gene pool lined up. It seems wrong to find my identity in something I had no control over. My idenity is is in my character, the integrity in which I pursue life by living out the convictions God has laid on my heart."  Ah, and my heart became a puddle for this guy.

 On a spiritual stance I believe something cannot be God's will if it came about because of a lie, or stolen product or breech of integrity. I feel that part of trusting God (or "picking up my cross daily") is trusting that if it is God's will then it will come about without breaking what God has clearly stated is right. So if I feel this way then why am is still so tempted?