Yesterday was one of those funny days where I had both moments of being very proud of L and rather embarrassed. And to be honest it rather bothers me that I felt either of those ways because both feelings were derived from L's performance. And although I feel rather sick with myself thinking about it, I think I need to process my thoughts be recollecting the day.
In the morning I had taken L to the library time right by our house. I hardly ever go to this one because the woman who conducts it is not very nice, and L doesn't like her. The last time we were there she made a child cry, at which point L stood up, said good bye and walked out of the room.
During this library time there are two occasions where the children are suppose to run up to the front to be given something from the library lady. The first is usually a shaker for a song and the second is a stamp on the hand at the end. L ran up, and was one of the first there both times. The thing about L is she is not an aggressive child, so although she got to the front first the other kids pushed and shoved their way in front of her. L being L just let them and politely waited. The library lady didn't notice L either time and almost forgot to give her a shaker the first time. Then with the stamps she let the kids come back and get second or third stamps while L still hadn't had one. L had been waiting so long for a stamp that she diverted her attention away from the library lady and started watching a very cute, chubby baby attempt to crawl on the floor. Finally, all the kids left and I saw that the library lady still hadn't noticed quiet little L right next to her and was beginning to put the stamp away. So I walked up to her and said, "My daughter has been waiting for stamp."
"Oh, I thought she got one." was the reply. And the library lady bent down to give L one.
This lady has many rules of conduct for children and so instead of just bending down and stamping L's hand she said, "Little girl you need to put your hand on your head for a stamp."
L at this point was still engrossed in watching the baby, and did not move, nor respond. She just appeared to stare blankly. She also happened to have her mouth open (due to a slight stuffy nose) and started to drool (due to her eye teeth cutting through).
The library lady says it again, L again only responds by more drool rolling down her chin. So the library lady snaps her fingers in front of L's face and says "Hello, hello anyone home? Put your hand on your head if you want a stamp." L only moves her head slightly away from the library lady to get a better view of the baby.
The library lady makes a comment about L not really being there. So I say "L put your hand on your head if you want a stamp". L still with mouth open, drool rolling, blank stare and head turned the opposite way slowly moves hand on top of her head. Gets stamp, but does not move till library lady leaves. She really does not like this lady.
I felt so embarrassed. L is really tall so people always think she is three instead of just turned two. So I just knew that the mean library lady thought I had a very mentally slow, socially inept 3 year old who can't focus and drools.
But moreover I was(am) so mad and disappointed at myself for being embarrassed by L. I don't ever want to be embarrassed because my child does not perform. I want to be the person who supports her and is proud of her because I know she is precious and her worth is not measured by her performance or by how other people perceive her. Ugh, how come I even cared what this library lady thought?!
Then immediately after we drove to Costco where L told me when to turn left or right to get to Costco, and then before being able to see Costco she told me it was going to be on our right. Upon leaving Costco she told me how to get back to the car. And then latter that day she picked up a new, never been read to book, and pointed to word "applesauce" and unguided by any visual cues said "applesauce". (She has about four or five other words that she knows by sight). So for the rest of the day I felt exceedingly proud of her or actually exceedingly proud of her mental abilities.
But isn't that about the same as being embarrassed by her? I wanted to tell the world (and did via fb) what a smart kid we have. And I got to say, I feel rather sick about this reaction too.
I don't want my focus to be on L's success or her accomplishments. I want my focus to be on loving and cherishing the wonderful gift that she is to us. I want to let her explore the world in her way, and not push her to act like the norm. I want her to be able to be confident in who she is, and never be afraid or embarrassed by that. I want her to be able to accept the package that God created her to be-gifts, weakness and all-and understand that those aren't the things that give her value.
So if this my aim then why are my reactions so far from it?
Wow Imaya I am so proud you are my daughter!... Your weakenesses are just roads to your strenghts as shown by your thoughts and realizations in this blog. I think L's strenghts at the Library were her ability to not compete with the other kids to get the shakers and stamps first and that she can be so ingrossed in watching a baby crawl over performing for the library lady or you. How much I learn from both of you.
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That library lady makes me so mad!!!!! I was getting fired up reading that blog! She NEVER notices Connor either, and he too is shy and fades into the background of the other kids! And he doesn't get the concept of hands on head for a stamp, so I have to accompany him so that I can put his hand on head for him. If she snapped her hand in Connor's face I think I would grabbed the stamp and stamped her head! Your mom is so right!! Little Linnea already knows to block out negative people and focus on more positive things in life like babies crawling! And that strenghth will take her far in life!! What a testament to you and your hubby's parenting!!
ReplyDeleteYou are such a wonderful mommy! I have often felt the same way- embarrassed with myself for measuring my kids by their success or "failures". I think it's such a natural thing to do as a parent because they become our entire life! I can't stand people like your library lady. Seriously! There are a few too many of them in the world because I've had too many of those experiences myself. Only I often get myself in trouble for actually telling the person how I feel about how they treated my child.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing an awesome job- you have one terrific little girl!
Wow. I love that you are so clear on what you want from her, and are willing to check yourself on your reactions. That being said, I often find myself cringing, or gloating, based on what E is or isn't doing. I think it's natural and so long as you don't let it direct how you parent, then I think it's okay. I also think that people are so quick to connect our worth as mothers to their perception of our children that it's hard to remember that the two are very separate. ALL kids act up. ALL kids are saints sometimes. We all just do the best we can. That being said, I am very proud of L for not letting mean library lady push her around and for knowing what's important to her. She sounds like an awesome kid.
ReplyDeleteOops. I meant "what you want FOR her." Also, don't go to that library anymore. Regardless of your child's intellectual ability, age, size, or disability it is always unacceptable to snap your fingers in a kid's face and then comment on whether they're "all there." And hands on head is a stupid rule.
ReplyDeleteYou are a normal mom with normal reactions. We all get embarrassed by our children at times and are proud at times. It does not mean our focus is on those moments. By even example of your writing, you are very aware of not making that your focus. Those feelings are not bad though. Hmmm....I think I would have punched the library lady. Just teasing, but I would not stand for her talking to my child like that. Your daughter was behaving like a normal two year old......and true, you don't need to care what the ogre library lady thinks otherwise. By the way, why do you still go to this library lady if she is so awful?
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