Ponderings

I have passionately enjoyed the study of both psychology and theology since college (my major and minor). I also have struggled with knowing which of the two to pursue. I have consistently chosen psychology, and have consistently felt resistant to pursue theology as anything more than a hobby.

Recently the nudging I have felt for theology has become a bit stronger. I have been extremely resistant to pray about it. I ignore it as much as possible.

Also recently Joe and I left a church we had been attending for a short amount of time do to the pastor's stance that women should not teach from the pulpit.

Oddly enough I was the one who was resistant in leaving the church for this reason.

This bothered me.

I spent a great amount of time pondering and praying over this. Eventually I came to the understanding that I felt really discriminated against. I felt that my talents in annalytical thought and theology were automatically disqualified at this church simply because I had the wrong genitalia. I was thus afraid that it was my wounded pride that wanted to leave and I was uncertain if that was a right reason.

Last week I had a eureka moment. I was going about my daily day not much thinking of anything to deep when, "Eureka! I got it!"

I got why I am so resistant to pursue theology!.

I don't want to pursue it because to a larger portion of the christian population my work and research will automatically be invalid because I am a woman. I don't want to have to fight why I am valid at every turn of the corner.

I finally prayed.

Through praying I got two answers. First, progressive change has never occurred because people shied away from the discrimination . Second, and I am sort of embarrassed to write this, am I wanting praise and recognition, is that my motivation? Or do I want to pursue a work that uses my talents and passions? Sometime the work we are called to do is not for our generation but for the ones to come.

I am still undecided on what to do.