yes I can!

Now that I am a mom of a three year old and a two month old my day generally consists of floundering to keep the house clean, interact, play, teach  the older one, meet all the needs of the new one, maintain friendships, and connect with my husband. I really do love my life. I love being a mom, I feel so grateful to be able to be home with my girls, but my inability to get things done wears on me. It wears on me to the point I think that I am experiencing learned helplessness-I am loosing my belief that I can make the life I want happen.

The reality is everything I do takes me a way from something else. For example blogging right now is taking me from my much needed exercise, so if I exercise when I am done blogging, that will cut into my self induced  four hours of sleep. If I get less than four hours of sleep then I am not floundering during the day I sink. If I get more than four hours of sleep nothing on my "me time" list gets touched. It feels like life is constantly a this or that with never really accomplishing any of it regardless of what I choose. As a result I have been finding my can do spirit to be dwindling, my vision of what I want to be fading, and my frustration with the mess I perceive things to be in growing.  For the first time I can remember I don't believe that I can make life happen. So instead of scheming of ways to make it all work I find myself pointing out the reasons why I can't do it. Instead of jumping into my "me time list" when the time arises I find myself questioning why I even bother. 

But here is the thing-if I give up nothing ever will happen. If I don't try the things I don't like will not only remain they will grow. Really what is occurring is that it is harder to accomplish what I want, so instead of persevering through the difficult times I am giving up. I just need to remind myself that yes I can!  What I can actually do might be a variance of what I want to do, but I still can do something. My perceived helplessness is just that-perceived. I need a combination of grace for myself (e.g. it is ok that my baby announcements have been sitting on the counter for 3 weeks because I need to purchase envelopes) and belief in myself.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
(2 Timothy 1:7 NIV)