The Power of a Popsicle Stick

There is something about three that turned my previously easy child into Miss Sass and Attitude (aka Miss Sassitude). We completely skipped the terrible twos as tantrums just weren't L's style. I maneuvered through those days with logical explanations and an occasional time out threat. But after the third birthday the Little Miss has been wanting to find out for certain who is in charge. For example-I say, "time to go" and she runs the opposite direction of the door laughing. It seems like at every turn she is challenging what I say to do by defiantly not listening to me. I am not one for spanking (I have a few friends who do it and I think they are doing it the right way, but it really isn't for us).  However, lets just say when you have the following conversation with your child you know timeouts just aren't working.

Me: L, can you tell me why you are in timeout?
L: Yes, I didn't listen. I ran upstairs when you said it was clean up time."
Me: Can you say you are sorry for not listening?
L: No, I am not sorry and would rather stay in timeout.

So you get the idea of the level of sassitude we are dealing with here? Not pleasant, not fun, and uber duper frustrating.

However, about a month ago things began to change a bit. I had purchased L a much desired Disney Princess Tiana dress that had been marked down to under $10! I was super excited to give it to her, and she was over the top joyed to receive it. However, right after I gave it to her I asked her to put her shoes away before she put on her dress. She very defiantly told me no  and proceeded to try on her dress. I again told her to put her shoes away first, and she again told me no.

At this point I was so frustrated at the continued defiance and attitude that I took the dress from her and told her that she just lost the privilege of getting that gift. She instantly started crying and said, "I am sorry, I am sorry! I will listen! I will put my shoes away!" She got up put her shoes away, and cried to get her dress back.

But giving her the dress back just didn't feel right so I told her thank you for putting her shoes away but that she was going to have to earn back her dress. She cried and wailed a whole lot more, and I informed her that when she calmed down I would tell her how she could earn her dress back. I set the dress on the mantle where she could see it, and sat down to think of exactly what earning it back was going to entail.

A couple minutes latter a very calm L said, "Mommy, I am calm now. Tell me how I earn my dress."  I walked to my craft cupboard, pulled out five crafting popsicle sticks and told her that every time she listened and did what I or Daddy said the first time and with a nice attitude she would get a stick. When she had earned five sticks she could trade them for her dress. However, if she didn't listen to me the first time I could take away a stick that she had already earned.

Right before dinner time, and with the loss of only one earned stick, L earned her fifth stick. She then proceeded to wait nicely for her prized dress until after dinner.

Since then we have created a consistent system in our house for Sassitude that goes something like this.
Me: L, it is time to go, can you come here please.
L: NO! (runs away)
Me: L I am going to ask you to come here one more time.  If you don't come I will take away........(insert a beloved toy or something)
L: Sorry! (and runs right to me)

On the whole the Sassitude has lessen to only when she is tired, sick or really hungry. And the following conversation rarely happens outside of those circumstances. Joe has found this to be just as effective as I have, and it is stated that both daddy and mommy have the power to take away sticks or give them (even if the other parent was the one who took away the item originally). Surprisingly we have only had to take away one other item since the original Princess Tianna dress.

One of the things that both Joe and I really like about this method is that it has made us much more aware of praising L when she does things right-even when she is not earning sticks. It is so easy to fall in the trap of scolding her every time she doesn't listen to me, or gives me attitude but not praising her for nice, helpful attitudes or for choosing to listen and obey. We have noticed how proud she is the more we praise her for the behaviors we expect from her. 

On a funny note the sticks have become quite important to her-even when they aren't associated with earning something back. For example, tonight I asked a very tired and hungry L to pick up a game she was playing with before we had dinner. I was expecting the worse but instead she instantly started picking up her game. When it was all cleaned up I gave her a really big hug, thanked her for listening so well, and told her that it makes me very happy and proud when she does that. She responded with, "Thank you, Mommy. Can I have a stick?" I happily gave her one, and she very proudly went to show Daddy that she got a stick. The stick isn't earning anything back, but apparently it is a concrete representation of a job well done.