A couple weeks ago I was sick, I mean really sick. I had the fever, the soar throat, the congestion, the hacking cough that made it impossible to lie down. Luckily my illness didn't really kick in until Friday morning and Joe was able to come home early to take the girls to L's ballet class. Later when I asked Joe what he thought of the class I was quite surprised by his response, "Watching L dance was great, but goodness all those other moms just complained about their kids the whole time....." He went on a bit more about his irritation with the moms complaining, and I found myself defending each of them. "But Joe you don't understand, that one has TWO TWO YEAR OLD BOYS. They do things like put library books in the fireplace and then hit the on switch! And that other one, well, her husband travels a lot and...." He then said something like, "I just don't understand. Why have children if you are just going to complain about them?" As you can imagine our conversation was getting a bit heated when it hit me-Joe and I were viewing these moms from two totally separate standpoints.
You see, I am like these moms. I take L to ballet and for 30-45 minutes I watch the daughter that I adore dance behind a large glass window, sit down, and join the group therapy session. In fact, the group therapy session takes place each time we moms get together. We talk about our exhaustion, our lack of sleep, who actually got to shower that morning, our kids' latest antics that make us question our own sanity. We joke about the dream of a solo vacation, of not hearing "Hey, Mommy" every 5-10 seconds, and about our end of the day sanity wine. With the mom friends that we are closest to we divulge our fear that we aren't good enough moms, our fear that we failed our children already, our floundering in finding the right form of discipline, our floundering in knowing how to set healthy boundaries. We cry over our guilt of feeling exhausted, our guilt of needing a break, our guilt in sometimes just not wanting to be touched.
Because it is true, when you have a baby you enter into a moms club. It is awesome-you have this intense experience in common with all these other women whom previously you wouldn't of had a word to say to. And in this club all members know without questioning the intense degree that you love your children. And moreover, it is known that you don't just love your kids but they are your joy, your life, your everything. That they bring you so much delight and happiness you cry at each milestone that makes them a bit older. For in the secret club of moms The Paradox goes without saying.
The Paradox is this- being a mom is the most difficult, selfless thing you have ever done, yet it is the most joyful, meaningful thing as well. It can drain the life out of you, yet it gives your life a meaning beyond what you thought possible.
And for us stay at home moms-I would love feed back from the other side cause I know it has it's own set of difficulties as well as some of the same-this paradox is our anthem. For there are no breaks, there are no sick days, our sleep allotment is dependent upon another person's needs, even our personal hygiene matters are dependent upon another's whim-as a favorite Pinterest sign puts it ever so perfectly, "I use to want the world. Now I just want to pee by myself."
Our time is not our own. Our body is not our own. Our space is not our own.
Yet we love it. We wouldn't trade what we are doing for anything in the world. We know that childhood goes by in a blink of an eye and we don't want to miss a second of it. We know how valuable we are to our kids, and we love this demanding role. It is priceless. Yes, it is hard but oh the hugs, the laughter, the joy, the love, the gift of re-experiencing childhood! It is wonderfully addicting. I seriously end most days with cheeks hurting from all the smiles my kids evoke (that wine sure helps with laughing at the crazy too).
So when we members of this special club get together and complain we do it believing that 1) our kids can't hear us and 2) that our fellow members know that our complaints are just part of the paradox-they have no bearing on how much we LOVE being moms or how much we LOVE our kids. Besides when we aren't complaining we are discussing all the wonderful, brilliant, joyous things those same kids do-sometimes even in the same sentence as the complaint.
Oh my dear sweet friend. There are times when you read a blog and cry and laugh out loud because it's like someone is writing down your exact thoughts. This is that blog. I have never attended a dance class, but it sounds like some fabulous therapy. You are so right on the money. I have to say, some of my best friends have basically heard me say things like, "That baby is AWFUL!" and "If I have to break up one more fight, I am going to join the circus". These are things I only tell those fellow moms out there who have giant black circles under their eyes and left over peanut butter and snot on their shirt because, like me, they are in the trenches and sometimes you just have to complain about your job in order to keep your sanity. Here's to spending a night or two with a good glass of wine and a fellow mom out there (namely...me :)
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the best posts I've ever read on a blog. Just perfect. I'm with Erin, it's like you were in my head. Such a beautiful summation of what the "mom club" is all about. All consuming love and desperate survival.
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