Do you ever feel like you can't keep up on anything, that if you choose one thing it is at the expense of another? Well, that sums up how things are going lately around here. I feel like I must be a time waster but I can't pinpoint where I am wasting the time because it feels like all I do is do and yet I can't keep up on anything.
I can keep the downstairs of our house clean, I can keep the bathrooms and the kid rooms clean (to be fair L keeps her own room in order), but my room, my closet, the laundry-OI VOY! What would I do if my house was any bigger?
January was a busy month, and I was very ill for a week, and there was another week that was devoted to finding a new car and I was still ill. Then Hannah got ill, is still ill, and isn't sleeping which means no sleep for this mama but still.....
There has been lots of parties, and outings with friends, and helping others with projects. There has been a visit from my mom, all the while Joe has been working long hours and having a demanding school schedule.
I did officially get rid of our T.V. & DVD player and turn the cabinet that was previously housing it into L's beloved craft cupboard. But who has time for T.V. & movies? I do not say this in a bragging, snooty, "we don't watch T.V" kind of way-we truly watch a total of 1-2 hours of T.V. a month. Nope, I watch a total of 1-2 hours of T.V./movies a month-Joe watches closer to zero. When we do we always use one of our laptops so why take up the space with something that never gets turned on?
I feel like I am constantly behind on everything. That I am always sacrificing one thing or one person in order to do something else. How do other moms do this? I really feel like I failing here. How do I be the mother my kids need and accomplish things and be a good friend and have a strong relationship with Joe? How do I have me time? Why does it feel like I am the only one not being able to get things done?
Part of the problem is sleep. Hannah has inherited my sleep gene. She doesn't nap and she sleeps very little at night. Prior to her birth I always went to bed around 11 pm-12 am and got up between 4-5 am. Linnea has always gone to bed at 6:30 pm and has gotten up after 8 am. My productivity time was when L (& Joe) slept. Hannah is up when I am up, and like I said doesn't nap. In so many ways I am raising myself and I am finding raising Joe (aka L) was a bit easier on the productivity & me-time aspects. Although I must admit Hannah's over the top happy, determined, driven self is pretty fun to experience too.
Nonetheless, I am feel I should be able to not only keep up on things and relationships but I should be able to do all the projects I have for myself. Why am I not being able to balance this? Why doesn't Hannah nap during the day? Why does she sleep so little? Why do I sleep so little? She wakes up, plays a bit in her crib, then starts to cry. The moment I walk in she gives me the biggest grin, laughs, says "hi", starts flapping her arms in excitement, if I leave she sobs as if her heart has been broken. I just don't have it in me to leave her crying, and she is in the mobile, destructive into everything phase as far as working on projects with her....
Still that isn't a good excuse......
Sounds like a stressful time. Praying that this is just a phase and that Hannah becomes a sleeper :)
ReplyDeleteYou are an ambitious, driven, caring, creative woman. THESE ARE GOOD THINGS. You are also a perfectionist, which means that when you see yourself as failing, you don't look at how big your plate is and how much is on it, just that you didn't manage to completely wipe it clean. I do this too. I look around at the dirty dishes, the mountain of laundry, the dust bunnies, the bills that I forgot to pay, again, and like you I start to feel like I'm the only one who hasn't gotten this whole "grown-up" thing figured out. When I get there, you always jump in to remind me that I'm being unrealistic. Now it's my turn. You have two amazing, wonderful, engergetic girls and you prioritize their needs first. They know that you cherish them. You have a strong marriage of respect and admiration and you prioritize that. I've met you once, and I consider you one of my best friends. You have a huge circle of close relationships, of women who admire you and trust you and depend on you. You inspire and foster faith, creativity, and kindness in everyone you come across. All of those things require energy and time, just like laundry and dishes and sewing projects. But at the end of the day, the areas where you ARE focusing are the things that really matter. Fifty years from now you won't regret that you always had a secret stash of socks that needed folded and that you didn't bake from scratch enough. You are doing a great job. An amazing job even. Give yourself a little slack.
ReplyDeleteAll that being said, you should see the state of my laundry pile. It's enormous, and that's after I've been making an effort to fold at least a load a day. And our room? It's a disaster and we just moved in.