finding our stride

The last couple weeks I have really been struggling with L. I feel as though we are at a constant battle of the wills, in combination with her wanting to be exactly like me and as physically near me as possible. It is very strange to have someone juxtapose doing the exact opposite as you say, with emulating all that you do. By the end of most days I am spent, frazzled and very grateful for a helpful husband and a tall glass a vino.

The other day I was praying about mine and L's situation, cause the truth is she is a good kid. She tries so hard to do what is right, she has a HUGE loving, kind heart, and I really do enjoy her. As I was praying I realized that the crux of my issue with her is me.

The majority of our clashing of the wills is rooted in my will being "I JUST WANT TO GET THINGS DONE" and hers being "I JUST WANT YOU TO PLAY WITH ME". For example, most mornings Hannah takes a long marathon nap and I instantly jump on trying to get things clean and projects checked off the list. But  poor L is viewing this time as, "Hannah is out of the picture, I can have mom all to myself." So starts our frustrating morning cycle of meltdowns,  purposeful rule breaking, clinging to me, and literally doing the exact opposite as I ask. Then Hannah wakes up and I am utterly flustered because nothing has been done in my small window of not having a baby latched on to me in some way or another. By this time L is even more clingy and literally glues herself to me. Then the rest of the day is spent in a frustrating circle of everyone wanting me while I am just wanting to have some kind of tangible accomplishment completed. All the while I am feeling more and more like a failure as a parent because 1) I just want her away from me, and 2) I know her misbehaving is seeking negative attention in the absences of positive interaction with me.

Anyway while I was praying about all this I felt God ask me, "What are your priorities?" And of course my response is, "my kids, my family." Then all of a sudden everything became clear-during Hannah's three hour nap I need to give L me. And when Hannah is awake I need to give them both me. There is a time for "me" a time for me to get things done. But during the day is not that time. My house does not have to be spotless, dishes can be in the sink, clutter can be on the floors. When the kids go to bed I can clean, Joe and I both do every night anyway. It is ok for me to have an hour or two  to get things I need done completed-pay bills, make phone calls, etc. But only after I fill their hearts with love and attention.

As a result L's behavior has improved greatly. Sure there is still defiance, and pushing of the boundaries-if there weren't I would need to be worried that there was something developmentally wrong with my 3.5 year old.  I am amazed at how much better behaved L is simply by me putting off emptying the dishwasher to do this:

To do what?

This.

Jumping on our ghetto "trampoline"

 And indulging her need to be

 seen, praised, and played with.

It doesn't only improve her though. It reminds me how much I do enjoying being a mom, and how these moments are what create happy childhood memories for us both.

It is even better when Hannah is up and can join in.

In fact, when I am just playing with them, and laughing with them L isn't competing for my attention. My house may look like a tornado hit it but we all really are happy.

"Mom, I am so glad you finally got it." Thanks, Hans.