Parenthood

On Saturday Linnea will be 9 months old! As I ponder how much she has changed in 9 months, and (again) lament over my little baby as I rejoice in the accomplishments of my big baby I find myself pondering about how much we have changed in the last 9 months too.

I constantly see my mother's influence living in me. Her values of motherhood infiltrate my subconscious as I make daily decisions. I know that my decision to pick up Linnea when she fusses is one part developmental attachment research and two parts my mom's voice saying, "I just never wanted you to feel alone or unwanted." My preference for being at home over finacial gain is again rooted in my mother making the same decision although it similarly meant a smaller house, an older car, and in many ways less finacial security. But I share my mother's fear of missing each moment, of not being their to comforting each tear, and that no nanny or daycare could really giver her the attention and love that I can. I find myself feeling guilt when I make decisions that are not inline with my mother-like not having Linnea sleep in our bed, and moving Linnea to her own room at three months. I know that it was the right decision for us, but still there is a nagging doubt. I see so many more simalrities between me and my mom than I have ever before. And I apperciate her more now as a mother than ever before.

I also find it fun to watch how much Joe's dad, Rory, has influenced Joe's fatherhood. My heart smiles as I watch Joe follow Rory's footsteps as he always rejoice and relish every aspect of fatherhood. Like Rory, Joe gladly changes diapers, happily gets up with Linnea, and takes great pride that she falls alseap easier for him than me ( you bugger)- just to name a few. Joe has never complained about helping out-if anything he, again like his dad, wants to do it all. Joe's dad wore him around in a Snugli, Joe wears Linnea in a Snugli (recently we upgraded the Snugli to an Ergo). I could go on in the comparisons, but you get the picture. Joe's unabashed love of fatherhood is closley rooted in his dad's.

I know that that we have other influences, but prior to parenthood I never realized how much one's idea about parenting is influenced by one's parents. The good, and the bad and everything in between . It is ingrained in us, and the challege is to fillter out the bad, and cling to the good. I know that we will fail Linnea in some ways and be great parents in other ways. And someday she will, hopefully, be reflecting on how we are ingrained in her parenting.

Here are some retro L pics to go with my little baby lamenting.


On our way home from the hospital!


Sleeping at five weeks


Pretty 7 week old